Incompatible with working

The time is now exactly "knock off work and drink five delicious pints in a beer garden o’clock", scientists have confirmed.

With temperatures soaring to levels incompatible with working, senior and genuine scientists have agreed it is imperative that you put your out-of-office on and head to the nearest pub for several refreshing pints in the sun.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Just as the hands of the Doomsday Clock inch ever closer to an apocalyptic midnight, the heatwave has finally nudged drinking time to midday piss-ups. Enjoy.

“We’re long past staying hydrated by drinking water. Even the lightweight’s Pimm’s o’clock is in the past. The mercury hits 30C today which officially heralds the start of Greenwich Steamed By 3pm Time.

“Don’t worry about falling behind with your work or getting rumbled by your boss. They’ve already installed themselves outside Wetherspoons and are knocking back pitchers of Candy Rosá.

“Follow their example by quintuple parking yourself with ice-cold lager. Avoid salty crisps. They’ll only make you more thirsty which is dangerous in this heat. Far better to drink on an empty stomach.”

Drinker Martin Bishop said: “See, science gets a bad rap with that climate change shite, but it can be useful.”

I wish...

The Daily Mash

Of course.